Proof of ME on a plane!
Please hold your breath!… Yes, yes, yes its me, ….on a plane.. Ron Borassi took the picture… J
Part 2 is part way written, and will be posted by the end of this week…Xmas is very time consuming…
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Melbourne – Brisbane Return Journey – Part 1
It had been a hectic three days in Melbourne. I had been summoned down there to deal with a notoriously difficult person from whom I had to extract information about a process that he knows intimately but has difficulty in communicating due to an overdeveloped sense of ownership and a stubborn personality. All I can say is the three days spent there were very trying with regular and repeated minor incidents of workplace conflict that required me to bite my lip and resolve despite the emotions that flared up inside me.
That said, I was exhausted by the time Wednesday rolled around and I woke up in a state of mental tiredness that I knew didn’t bode well for the return trip home. I knew I was more vulnerable to stress in this state or mood and as a result I found myself growing more concerned by the minute as I realised I was just plain exhausted. Even getting in and out of the lifts triggered my anxiety response too easily and I found my negative thoughts were more present than when I am feeling rested and relaxed. I started to observe the frequency and occurence of my thoughts. I wrote on a piece of paper next to me while I was at work going through the last bits of the process with Mr ‘No-one can do it better than me’. I noticed what I was thinking and how often the thoughts occurred. 8.15 I’m never gonna make it back to Brizzy in this state. I am just not in the right place with my mind.. God I feel whacked. Just look at how panicky I was in the lift. 9.10 Aogh! There it is again, that hot burny panicy feeling in my tummy. Flip! I am not going to handle this flight very well. Nonsense! What a thought to have – I just wanna get home and rest so I am going no matter what. If you stay in Melbourne another night I will be doubly whacked tomorrow so just deal with it ok? Thoughts are ‘just thoughts’. Yeah but remember we learned ‘thoughts become things’, … u know like that self help email u get everyday from ‘The Universe’. Well these ones aren’t helping so don’t entertain them, just let them pass thru yr mind like trains going through a station. Only entertain thoughts that are useful to u – invite them in, and use them to your best advantage. Now focus on your work and just get off the Worry Train will you? Ok? 10.50 Oh geez, it’s almost time to leave for the airport – I don’t feel much better, in fact, I feel WORSE! I love my pink polka dot case but I am just like it – a fruit loop. Why do I have this affliction? Why can’t I just be normal like other people Damn! it’s nearly one o’clock. I am gonna die. Comeon Nikki you ay the victim so well – take respionsibility for your fear girl – only you are scaring yourself … You are normal – just that you insist on this self- sabotage so stop weakening youself. There are weakening thoughts and strengthening thoughts so be responsible for filtering them. Yeah but my body doesn’t lie hey my tummy is burning my back feels tense and I just don’t feel comfortable in my skin. Yes this is true but it’s your thoughts that r triggering this feeling of being hnsafe. You won’t feel comfortable because you r fighting the feeling – don’t resist just feel the anxiety, relax into it. The feelings don’t live fir very long if you give them air and acknowldge them – your body will have achieved it’s objective because it has notified you that you are feeling anxious. Ekhart Tolle says ‘the body is the truth, the thought is the lie’. By this he means that you need to physically sense what is going on inyour body to know what you are really feeling about a situation. We often have too many thoughts to know which one affects us to the level of discomfort we are feeling. 1.00pm in taxi en route to airport 25 minute ride: yikes this is it chicky. Your goose is cooked. I have taken 1 tranquilizer but I still feel yukky nervous. My tummy is on fire. Why do you dothis to youself girl? Because I wanna fly home and seeMy family ok? I need them my spirit resonates with my own flesh and blood and I need to replenish. It’s something I have to do. That is why I am doing this plus of course if I want to keep my flash job and the pennies coming in thru the door I have to do this. Hmmm change your job girlfriend!! nah! You won’t get away with avoidance this time girl – you have been running for too long. Now we turn around and face it. It no longer serves you to run – other aspects of your life are severely impoverished as a result of you not standing in the face of your fear. Your world has shrunk beyond belief. Time to expand your comfort zone because to be honest you have become quite boring in your needing to feel SAFE all the time. Live life on the skinny branches girl – much more fun and interesting. It’s only tiredness. Chick-Chick Boom
Melbourne Trip…the way down …
It was with some trepidation that yet again I found myself on a plane to Melbourne. Here I was in the airport. My friend kindly took me to the airport at 5am in the morning and I was feeling rather relaxed given I had taken 1.5 mg Ativan. I felt the cougar lurking in my mind.. everytime I got nervous, I heard it roar. I knew I was only having ‘thoughts’.. thoughts that were not positive, creative or that would amount to anything simply because I refused to entertain them… but they were there, very much there… I let them pass through my mind, like trains through a station.. as soon as one came in… I would feel the physical effect in my body, I would tighten the area, then release, say relax, and dismiss the thought.. I was starting to understand mind-power… when to entertain thoughts and when not to entertain thoughts.. especially since thoughts can become things, and sometimes we don’t want those things that our thoughts are producing… (sound like a mad-woman.. you are prolly right).. I have done enough self-talk the last few weeks to warrant a place in a sanitarium FULL-TIME! J
At check-in, the lady told me that the air-tickets had not been ‘booked’ in spite of the e-voucher I had in my hand. The plane had started boarding and I was in a bit of a spin.. talk about stress-city.. I felt the tears just beneath the surface as I dialled the number on the voucher. Luckily, the ticket number was supplied by a very calm voice on the other end of the line. By this time, the check-in lady said: “Its too late to check in your baggage, you might have to take the next flight”. In my mind I suddenly saw myself being late for the meeting in Melbourne, my baggage landing up on another plane, and I was already geared up to go on this flight, the tears literally bounced out of my eyes onto my cheeks and I heard myself saying: “Please just let me get on this flight”… She saw I wasn’t’ mucking around, and she said, “Oh just take it on the plane, it’s small enough, but hurry”..
A quick goodbye and I boarded the plane. As I stepped into the plane, I felt like it was a rather ordinary experience, and I found that I was in seat 11C… quite close to the front of the 737. The 737 has a 3-3 seat configuration and I found the ascent into the air to be a lot ‘tighter’ than the 767. The 767 feels like a banana heaving off a launch pad… I sat in between two ladies and I got chatting to the one to the right of me. She seemed really pleasant and was travelling to Melbourne to the day to meet with a client as part of her HR consultancy. I massaged her hands and we nattred about all sorts of manner of things.. I felt the cougar creep up a couple of times but then I got out the iPhone and played my favourite game, Tetris…
The flight was definitely longer and we went into a holding pattern, I felt myself saying:
“Oh God, why this, why now? I am doing so well, why does the flight have to be any longer than it is…” but then I noticed the Tetris bricks were catching up on me and I had to do something about that.. soon we touched down, and I instantly felt lighter. I floated into the taxi and nattered away until we reached the ParkView hotel. I dropped my luggage for storage by the concierge and the taxi drove me down the road to the office. I noticed the tree-lined streets and the air seemed a little crisper than Brizzy but overall it was rather refreshing.. I hopped out the taxi, feeling like a real business traveller, and disappeared in the building with my laptop and handbag, looking very much the part.
It was great to see everyone I had been speaking to for months by phone in the Melbourne office and I was abuzz, it had been a big day for me, but a quiet celebration because what I considered as conquering my worst nightmare fears was ‘everyday’ for everyone else. I celebrated with a cuppa tea and a biscuit….
Next Melbourne – the way back… to follow….
Thanks,
Nikki Ward | IT Documentation and Training Analyst
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Tatts Group
240 Sandgate Rd, Albion, Queensland, 4010, Australia
Tel: 07 3637 1445 | Fax: 07 3262 5742
Blog: http://thetechwriter.wordpress.com
SP Blog: http://myworkcentre/personal/nikki_ward/workblog/default.aspx
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Quote of the Day: Think More, Write Less
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I AM ALIVE!!!
New blog entry
Today I flew down to Sydney in a 767 for lunch AGAIN!!!!
Paradoxical technique
Shane-attacking
Confront your fears
- sudden exposure or flooding
- gradual exposure
- the partnership
Daily mood log
The cost benefit analysis
Positive imaging
Distraction
The acceptance paradox
Gettin in touch All these and more I have been practicing – I am so focussed on eradicating this fear I feel that in time, and that is key, in time, I will feel more comfortable about flying. It is like a muscle – it has to be developed – it doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen – that much is a certainty. The road ain’t easy but it had brought so many gifts and raised my consciousness in an almost spiritual sense if the word. We had a fabulous day in Sydney – we hired a car and drove to Stanwell Tops in Sydneys Royal National Park. It was so hot up there but while we were driving thru the back of beyond I felt the old panick start to arise – what if I hyperventilate and we are miles away from anywhere and suddenly I realised that I know what to do no matter what or where I am – it’s OK!!!! I am OK!!!! Whoooooo! I felt a surge of confidence and my spirit soared while the realization washed over me just how restrictive this fear had been for me and how I had receded from all spheres of my life that I really used to enjoy, especially that which feeds my soul -being on nature – this, nature, is what feeds my life essence, my mana, my spirit, my energy. Whooooohoooo! I feel so fucking ALIVE! Sent from my iPhone
Flights booked for Melbourne
K, so now I have a double whammy, I am flying to Sydney on Sunday & back to Brizzy.. and then have to be in Melbourne on Monday.. oh YAAAY!… back to Brizzy on Wed.
I have been avoiding this but I know this is the only way through – head on, straight through the middle. I am not sure where to… but it will mean that a great deal of courage is called for. Courage.. well anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am the first to burst into tears when the going really gets tough.. (including all my fearless flyer mates) and right now, I do feel that I may have bitten off more than I can chew but again, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do things in small doses or in halves.
I have been feeling a little light-headed and dizzy all day yesterday and today… but I figured is just nerves and tension and that I need to get back to the relaxation exercises.. Madalyn did say: they are ‘just thoughts’….> I am aware of my thoughts going nuts again.. but they are really “just thoughts”.. as I have reminded myself a dozen times already as all the snarly cougar thoughts roar through my head - I realise that nothing could have prepared me for the actual event so ‘scenario spinning’ is really just pointless. Man, I feel like downing a beer right now!!.. anyone else care to join me?
Interesting: Thoughts become things (Title of a book currently in print).. As far as I currently understand it we can use thoughts to create our world yet our thoughts can also be our own worst enemy… this really makes me see how the mind can be our most powerful ally in terms of being the ‘artist of our life’… but at the same time, our thoughts can also not serve us… our programming during our years, from our experiences, contribute toward our blueprint and create obstacles for us based on our ‘filters’…our fixed habits of behaviour, the real practice then is knowing when and how to use our thoughts powerfully…
Our language is key to us discovering whether we are creating our world or just talking about our world.. and this comes down to certain ‘key’ words….I will say this….when the sympathetic nervous system takes over, you are really at its mercy, regardless of ‘thoughts’.. the thoughts only control what anticipatory anxiety you experience prior to an attack so when it hits, you can only focus on feeling it, not fighting it and then when you emerge from the attack only then can you work on how you come recover from it.. so even when you are in the middle of an attack, all you can do is ‘have an attack’.. then as you surface.. try as far as you possibly can.. to distract yourself or get yourself to a point where you can rebalance until the next one creeps up.. that’s it.. just deal with it as it arises until it stops.. then only have you conquered your fear…
You can ‘not think’ negative thoughts while you are in situ with your fear because you are at its mercy… your thoughts only serve to escalate your anxiety which is why there is so much focus on producing thoughts that are conducive to not triggering a chemical meltdown reaction in the brain. I argue that the real focus is instead on just ‘feeling the fear’.. I mean really just feeling the fear… being the observer, maybe even timing it to see how long it lasts… because at some stage it does disappear.. but it does return so really there are ‘waves’, and it is panic nonetheless.
When you welcome it and observe it and look towards it.. it does tend to evaporate. Remember as the doctor said: Panic Attacks are SAFE.
I mean lets face it.. there is a lot of crap written out there.. and I feel that its time for us to dispel the myth that these self-help books that claim they can change your life actually work. I can categorically state this because I have read these books.. there is a lot of good knowledge in them, very descriptive but until you take the plunge and ‘experience’ it for yourself – there is nothing happening except someone’s pocket getting fatter because of your inability to face your fear. Read the books by all means… as there is always knowledge to be gained but knowledge doesn’t cast out fear, action does.
What is real for me is that I am starting to realise each solution for each fear is as unique as the individual who experiences it. So I assert: NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL … I am going to dispel another myth: fear is not like a condom = seriously… NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL. Each individual must chart their own course through the dark waters of fear until they find the solution themselves, and if they choose a helper to do so with them then again caution must be taken that this is not someone they come to rely on.
So what I have just said is controversial. Naturally no-one wants to hear that self-help books are pointless. No-one wants to hear that we need to take responsibility for the way we feel.. I know I don’t – I am the worst offender, AND I have a cupboard full of self-help books at home… (that cupboard full of books simply means is I have become an expert at gathering knowledge AND practicing avoidance!!!) So, realise that in facing your fear, you have to work on this with someone who is experienced in this area to assist you and guide you but does not usurp your process.
That said, I got onto the topic of this ‘fear’ being there for me.. what I have become really present to is that this fear has taken me to a level of consciousness that I don’t think many people have an opportunity to experience. Most will practice avoidance, and rare is the day that people will tackle this type of thing head on, unless there is a compelling reason for them to do so. Why? Because I have to say, it is THE most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Why? Because I like to prepare in advance, be proactive, make sure everything is laid out as it should be rather than just live in the moment.. this is a matter of habit and one that is tough to break.. preparation and planning ensures you don’t have ‘piss-poor performance’.. All my life I have been preparing for some challenge, moment, test, etc.. its exhausting I have to admit. Frankly I would rather go skipping through a field full of daisies, not with a care in the world, but unfortunately I am unable to locate such a person that will make that happen for me …so back to myself.. I have been of the opinion that I do have to face the fear and do it anyway..
The benefit of such a fear is such that you get to experience the real inside of you… that you can only do it for yourself and no-one else. That one person is YOU.. you are responsible for YOU… you get to see what is really going on at a physical, mental, spiritual level… deep within the core of who you are.. you see what you are and who you are.. and you realise that you are just ‘shit-scared’… vulnerable, immobilised, and until you stare it back in the face, you are powerless.. until you actually stand in the company of that fear there is nothing you can do – no, no book, no guru, no mentor, no course, no food, well.. ok maybe chocolate and maybe … J
Yours in flight,
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Untitled
This is worth an entire post.. I would like to think that our beliefs and attitudes should also appear down at the base of the lenses.
It is these things that when removed, allow us to try on the possibilities of what our lives would be like without those beliefs and attitudes.
A whole world of possibility becomes available outside those beliefs and attitudes…
J Nikki
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Problem Solving Flow Chart for the Flight Engineers at QANTAS…
This will solve all their problems..
Downed a tranquiliser this morning and am feeling peachy.. think I can do the flights now.. Sydney Sunday Here I Come.
J N
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Next step…. On my own without fearless aunties
Saw the doctor yesterday to confirm how to take medication. He said his wife is a fearful flyer even though she loves travel.
He outlined for me that we are in the craft and sitting there adrenalin has nowhere to go so by shaking hands wiggling we will absorb the adrenalin at some point. He said that panic attacks are quite safe. He said it will pass and with a couple of tranquilisers down the hatch – 1 mg ativan taken 2 hours before, then one taken 1 hour before, I will be relaxed enough to fly. I think do too. While I wasn’t happy flying to London, I was there in the cabin dealing with it and I do recall that eventually the environment felt natural to me, especially on the way back. I was wondering up to the toilet to do my makeup and basically get ready for landing. I just have to talk myself thru it. If I feel the attack coming I will think hmm no Madalyn here to see me thru this, panic, then nerves explode, then OMG why did I even think of doing this silly bitch, then I will have to kick in my emergency code red plan –1. Look at the time it takes for first wave of fear, write down.
2. Push stomach in to make myself take a breath. Time how long this attack lasts.
3. Look at the time when feeling balanced again. See how long a PA lasts.
4. Visualise the cougar. Have to feel it not fight it. Allow it to happen. Know that it will pass. Know that u r safe.
You will not die. Topics to talk about on the plane:
(have to be totally sincere else won’t work) 1. Why r……..
2. When did you….
3. What would u prefer? Omg just booked my next flight feeling nervous!!! 131313 flights
At 12pm start to check seat allocation. Qantas.com/yourbooking
Http://book.qantas.com.au/yourbooking
8.15 departure. 10.50 arrival QF513
17.35 departure 18.05 arrival QF542 Make sure you pack early and work out your tranquilisers
Dep BNE 1st tranq – 6.00
2nd tranq – 7.15 Dep Syd
1st tranq – 15.35
2nd tranq – 16.35 Tranquilisers 2 every four hours.
Run and flush system when you get home Sent from my iPhone
Day 4
Feel then check u don’t fight – just be with it
It won’t last forever
Adrenaline gets reabsorbed.
Shake your hands wiggle yr toes & yr legs – then push all the air out of yr lungs and release, this wl force an in breath thus inhibiting further adrenalin release – when you take a deep breath u relax. When u exhale like a yogi, yr heart rate slows. Either way u r in control even tho u experience unpleasant feelings.
Day 3 continued.
Back to the day 3 blog entry. The afternoon activity involved us all travelling up the air control tower. I was already starting to experience high anxiety just sitting at the table. I told Pat I don’t do lifts and that I am here only for the plane. Pat just smiled and said “Don’t u see Nikki? They are all connected.” In my mind I knew she was right but somehow I didn’t or couldn’t acknowledge that. Pat changed the subject to visualisation & of course I knew what she was doing so I brought the conversation back to the lift again. I asked how high the tower was. She answered non-chalantly “32 floors” I gasped. “You are joking!” I replied in disbelief. “No I’m not”, she said, “you’ve picked a Duzi”
My stomach and its newly acquired contents heaved and then lurched like a tired tanker in stormy seas. I knew I was screwed. Lunch finished and we sat down to an aIr traffic control talk with Richard but not before Olympia and I had set aside a scrummy vanilla slice and custard tart as a bravery award for afternoon tea – we knew we were gonna need it. After the talk, we all headed straight for the tower and as Richard opened the tower entrance door, my heart started to thunder, I became a cat on a hot tin roof, a toey racehorse at the Melbourne cup jump gate – I wanted to bolt! The first lot went up and I counted the seconds it took so I could do a count down on the way up – 35 seconds – I felt a little better that it would be short ride. What I didn’t count on was the size of the lift! When i came around the corner, as everyone got in, all I could see was half a lift! not even big enough to fit a sandwich in!! I shook my head, backing up as i felt the tears stickle my eyeballs and somewhere in the darkness I heard Richards voice say “Come on you will regret it if u don’t”. I knew then I was going to have to face my nemesis – so I forced myself forward and i stepped into the void despite all my alarms going off in code Red! Up we went, and I watched the green line of lift progress meter as it hurtled me towards my battlefield of fear. I looked at a white Olympia and then consoled myself with the fact that there would b more space when we got out the lift -OMG! was I wrong or what!! Never make assumptions is all I can say. We stepped out into a tiny stairwell of about 20/30 odd stairs and we had to wait on the dimly lit stairwell until Richard got the OK to let us in at the top. It echoed and i could taste the tension I looked down the stairwell into a line of expectant slightly anxious faces. I turned around quickly to look back up to the top because suddenly I felt claustrophobic. I realised there was no room to move and I had to get up to where there was more room. Just as it started to get unbearable, we started to move. As we climbed the stairs, I started to feel puffed (not a good feeling I might add) and by the time I stepped up into the glass rotunda I felt quite light-headed and almost off-with-the-fairies-kinda feeling. It felt surreal, i surveyed my surroundings quicky and then I returned to how I was feeling. Quite light-headed, dizzy and then all I wanted to do was get out of there – I knew that wasn’t gonna b easy because I would hv to get into the sandwich lift on my OWN!! By this stage, code Red was in operation meltdown-abandon ship change planetary address mode. All systems were shutting down. I felt sick to the stomach, my back lit up like a Christmas tree with adrenalin, felt dizzy and my breath disappeared – I heard myself calling for Madalyn. She came over and I told her I wasn’t feeling too good. She said: “why? What’s the matter?” shaking her hands and her legs – as if she couldn’t see I was panic-stricken. I found that odd. I said ” I can’t breathe” to which she replied “yes u can!” I looked at her, incredulous. To be honest I am not sure what i expected of her. I thought ” how odd! She is not buying into my fear – dammit I am gonna have to sort myself out” then she said “just push your tummy in and you will automatically inhale.” Desparate, I did as she said and I found myself inhaling almost immediately after and I came back to my body. It felt good. I wasn’t going to die. I was back in the driver’s seat. Once meltdown return to business as usual i wandered around looking out and found the view quite marvellous. It was so quite up there, very peaceful.
One of the controllers had sunnies and a hat on – I asked him why the apparel and he replied that the glare can be too much on some days. I found it odd that one would wear sunnies and a hat in front of a computer screen – Richard and I struck up a conversation and pretty soon I felt ok cos he is so good at distraction – I know that now, although I didn’t know this at time, but he would b my ‘helper’ on my flight the next day and he just kept me tweeting like a canary. Thanks Richard for my first tranquilizer free flight in 20 odd years.
So that was day 3 – needless to say the custard tart tasted wonderful and I was glad to be alive. My bed was so comfotable and welcoming that night -my senses had been heightened and I felt truly alive.
Sent from my iPhone
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Recent
- Proof of ME on a plane!
- Melbourne – Brisbane Return Journey – Part 1
- Melbourne Trip…the way down …
- I AM ALIVE!!!
- Flights booked for Melbourne
- Untitled
- Problem Solving Flow Chart for the Flight Engineers at QANTAS…
- Next step…. On my own without fearless aunties
- Day 4
- Day 3 continued.
- Celebration Day
- Day 3
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